Inside Out
by Never Stop Believing in Love
Summary: Post Waterloo, retirement looms. Grace is leaving and Boyd's well ... just being Boyd!


**Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC**

**Content: Boyd and Grace **

**Rating: K**

**Hey everyone. In an attempt to lure back my muse, I was challenged to write a piece based on a picture of a very pensive, sad, vulnerable looking Boyd. This was the result! Hope you enjoy. As always thanks for taking the time to read and review, and a special thanks to Joodiff.**

**Inside Out**

He always knew that the day would come, that one day he would find himself in this position. He had of course believed that he would be in control of when and how. Always the master of his own destiny, he had become accustomed to being continually in command of his decisions and choices. Of course he remained within the restraints of the Met rank and authority, but they had on the whole left him alone to do his thing. He lived and died by his own hand, but this final blow was outside of his remit. The closure of the CCU, his demise as commander and chief of his own destiny came all too suddenly. He no longer could continue to do the job that he loved, and it had not been his decision. His lips pulled in a smile tainted with derision as he recalled how ultimately he stole back supreme control, all be it not in the way that he would have liked. Although he had to admit, telling Deputy Chief Commissioner Maureen Smith and her cronies to screw their job and themselves had caused him a great deal of satisfaction. If only momentary. Outwardly he was full of bravado, internally devastation reigned holding him a helpless captive.

He had been so blasé when he told the team, swallowing back the bitter hurt and suppressing the undeniable and claustrophobic fear that had wrapped its icy grip around him until he felt he was suffocating under its grasp. He could not drop his guard; he would not allow himself to show weakness, not in front of them, not even now. They had given him so much over the years and now he owed it to them to be strong. To finish the way he led, fearless. Except he wasn't. Inside he was terrified. Call it male pride, call it stubbornness, call it whatever you will, Peter Boyd would never admit to the team the extent of the dark, unforgiving, unrelenting cloud that had descend on him as soon as he closed the door of the DCC's office.

But now he sits alone in his office, afraid to look too deep within, afraid of what the consequences would be if he unleashed the full magnitude of his feelings. In constant, exhausting and raging battle against one strong, overwhelming and undeniable emotion. An emotion that he had tried to fight and ignore for most of the last decade and that scares him and causes deeper pain than the enforced early retirement. It was more powerful than every other feeling combined, and was causing him insurmountable sadness.

He lifted his head, shifting his gaze slowly towards her office. She sat, head in her hands resting on the desk, whether in concentration or something more pensive he coudn't tell. Her belongings had been packed away, everything that was her now stripped from the office she had spent so much of her time in. She was hurting too; he was in no doubt of that. He knew he would have to talk to her, say goodbye … properly, friend to friend, before she left, but he just wasn't sure that he was strong enough to do it yet. As he watched the curve of her body leaning heavily on her desk, he felt the sting of tears begin to pool in his eyes. More than he would miss the CCU, the work, the team, more than he would miss the job he had given his life to, sacrificed his family for, … more than any of that … he would miss her.

Without her, none of the rest really mattered. The stark realisation had swept over him in a sea of turmoil, the release of previously repressed feelings and desires had pummelled his body in a merciless attack on his emotions, pervading every part of him. For so long he had denied them, for so long he had fought against them, now faced with having to say goodbye to her, came the realisation that he couldn't do it and yet he was so utterly helpless to prevent it from happening. His life without her made no sense whatsoever.

She had told him that she wasn't staying in London, that she had found a little cottage overlooking the sea. She had always loved the sea, it made her feel free and alive. Yes the closure of the CCU had forced her hand, but she was relieved in many ways as she knew she would never have been brave enough to take the final step of leaving herself. He quietly bowed his head as memory of their brief conversation replayed painfully in his mind. His vision blurred as tears danced with the sadness that echoed in his deep brown eyes, her words washing over him.

"There's nothing left for me in London now Peter."

In that moment it felt as though his world had begun to crumble around him, that everything was moving at lightning speed and he was stood rooted to the spot watching it all race away from his grasp, unable to stop it no matter how much he wanted to. Internally he was broken, inside he wanted to shake her, make her see. Inside he was screaming…

"WHAT ABOUT ME … I'M HERE."

Inside his heart was breaking as the realisation of her words crushed his soul and left him utterly devastated. Abandoned.

Inside he was lost.

Outwardly, he simply shrugged his shoulders and threw up his hands telling her that if that's what she wanted then that's what she should do. No arguments, no clever retorts, no begging her to stay. Just 'have a nice life Grace'! They hadn't spoken about it since, if he was honest he had avoided her, unable to trust himself around her. It hurt too much. Grace, for all her psychology skills simply assumed his reluctance to spend time with her in these final moments was due to the fact she might make him talk about his pending retirement and he didn't want to face it. If only she knew. Retirement, although regrettable and unwanted, was bearable even for Boyd. A Grace-less life was not.

The thought that when she closed the door to her office today it would be forever was agonising. Nine years over in a blink of an eye. Nine years she was his closest friend and confidante.

"We'll keep in touch." She had told him, but he knew what that meant. First she would phone him maybe once a week, until she met new friends, then she would only find time to call once a month. Soon he would only hear from her when he received the obligatory annual Christmas card, then when she met someone else, someone who swept her off her feet, even the cards would stop arriving as his memory evaporated into the ether.

He could see how happy she was about the move. He loved to see her happy, the smile she gave lit up the whole room. Her eyes sparkled as she described the quaint little two bed cottage on the cliff top with perfectly manicured gardens and a sun room overlooking the sea that captured the light all year round.

"You'll have to come to visit …" She announced, before instantly dismissingly the idea "… Don't worry Boyd I don't expect you to make the journey, anyway I know how busy you'll be."

He had protested that he would love to come, but she just laughed and said that she didn't envisage it ever happening…"After all I'm sure we're sick of the sight of one another after nine years."

Inside he was screaming, actually screaming at her. "OF COURSE I'LL COME; I'd drive for hours just to see you smile again." Inside he was holding onto her with everything he had.

Outwardly he simply shrugged his strong shoulders and replied. "Yea, you're probably right."

A soft knock at the door broke into his thoughts.

"Hi" Grace opened tentatively not quite knowing where to start.

"Hi" He smiled gently, but his smile rested only on his lips not reaching his eyes.

"I just came to say that I've finished up … and to say goodbye."

Inside Boyd could feel a knot tighten around his heart as he swallowed hard against the lump that constricted in his throat. He wanted to speak, to say all the things that still remained unsaid.

Instead he stood to his feet as he replied. "Oh, okay ….. have you got everything you need Grace? I can always have it forwarded to you if you've forgotten anything anyway." He fumbled.

She smiled fondly at him. "Yea, I've got everything Boyd."

"Well I supposed this is it then eh? You've finally escaped the dungeon ….. and me." His eyes permeated with sadness.

"Yea finally, it only took me nine years and enforced retirement."

"When do you move to Cornwall?" He enquired folding his arms as he rested his form against his desk.

"At the end of the month. I still have to finish packing up the house and arrange for some of my things to go into storage as they will never fit into the cottage."

"Well …. If you need a hand give me a shout. I'll be finished up here next week so will be happy to help."

"That's very sweet Boyd, but don't worry about it, I've got it under control."

"Oh I don't doubt that, Grace, I was only … Yea look you're right I'm sure you have it organised." He raised his palms towards her as he replied.

"So what about you then, what's your plans?"

"Erm well it will probably take me most of the week to tie up the loose ends here and then I was thinking of maybe taking a bit of a holiday."

"A Holiday? I didn't think that word existed in your dictionary Boyd." She teased.

"Yea well, I figure after everything, I deserve it. Anyway, it will give me some time to clear my head, think about what I want to do with all my new found freedom."

They fell into silence still holding each other's gaze, trying to read the others thoughts.

"I'm gonna miss you." Grace admitted softly.

Inside his heart began to race, inside he wanted to go to her, take her in his arms, hold her and kiss her into the submission of staying with him.

Outwardly he joked "No you won't. You'll get down to Cornwall and be too distracted by all those young surfer boys to even remember my name."

Her laughter filled the room. How he loved her laugh. "Yea I dare say I will."

And there it was again. The companionable silence, the charged atmosphere, his eyes continued to lock with hers, searching, hoping, dreaming. He swore in the midst of them he could see the glisten of tears.

"I should be going….." She said finally, "Bye Boyd, I'll be in touch, I promise." She smiled.

"Bye Grace." He forced a smile and raised his hand in an awkward gestured wave.

She turned and began to walk away.

"Grace wait!" he shouted much too loudly for the distance between them.

She stopped suddenly and turned to see him approach her.

Inside he was roaring like a feral lion," Don't go, don't leave me, stay here with me, forever." He wanted to tell her, tell her how he felt. Tell her how much he was in love with her, how much he wanted her, had always wanted her.

Instead he pulled her into a tight embrace. He felt her bristle at first, surprised by his display of affection, before she relaxed into him holding onto him tighter, slowly breathing in his familiar scent. So distinctly Boyd. Her eyes closed against his chest as she unsuccessfully tried to stem the tears now freely flowing.

"I'm going to miss you too Grace." His deep baritone voice reverberated through her entire body causing shivers to race down her spine.

They held onto each other for what they both knew was longer than appropriate, but then, what really was appropriate when you were saying goodbye to your best friend.

Inside he wanted to hold on to her forever, never releasing his grip, never allowing her to walk away from him. Silently though he relinquished his embrace and stepped back from her, instantly missing the warmth of her body against his.

"Goodbye Boyd." She whispered as she reached up and gently placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Bye Grace."

That was it. She was gone and he had let her go. His best friend, the person he was closest to in the entire world, the women he was completely and devastatingly in love with had just left his office and his life and he had let her go.

He sat heavily in his chair, his hand rising to his face as he tried to still the storm of emotion raging within him. His eyes burned red, his unshed tears like acid waiting to fall. Suddenly he felt completely empty, lost in his own bleak world of sadness and desolation.

He had let her go.

He closed his eyes against the pain. It was then he felt it. At first he thought it was his imagination, but her comforting scent was thick in the air. Her arms reached across from behind and encompassed him around his shoulders as she bent down and hugged him tightly. He instantly raised his hand and ran it along her arms that were embracing him.

"Grace?" he questioned before turning round to look at her, still holding onto her hand as if she would disappear if he let go.

"I was doing so well, until I got to my car and I found I couldn't leave, not without ….."

"Without what?"

"Without doing this." She reached down, cupping his face with her hand as she softly brushed her lips against his, he immediately responded. Standing he pulled her tightly to himself wrapping his hands in her hair as he kissed her passionately. When they parted he searched her face questioningly.

"I ….. what? …" He stammered.

"You didn't know?" She laughed.

"Know what?" He replied, his mind still trying to make sense of what just happened.

"How I felt about you? How I've always felt about you."

"No, I had no idea. Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't think you'd be interested."

"If only you knew Grace, I couldn't believe I was losing you."

"Why didn't you say something then?"

"I don't know, I could see how happy you were ….."

"You were a chicken more like it." She laughed.

"Yea .. well maybe just a little." He smiled reaching up to brush her hair from her face. "But I am serious Grace, I really hated the idea of not having you in my life."

"You don't have to worry about that Peter. I'll be in your life as long as you want me to be."

He reached down and kissed her slowly cherishing every touch of her.

"So about that holiday you were planning …" She asked " …do you fancy spending it in Cornwall …. with me? She smiled as the grin widened on his face.

"Oh I think I can do better than that Grace. I've always seen myself retiring to the sea … I was a bit of a surfer in my day you know. So, erm ….. do you think this cottage would be big enough for two then Grace?

"Oh yea, most definitely" She grinned widely, her eyes sparkling with happiness.

"You know, I think I'm going to really enjoy this retirement. " He smiled as he pulled her closer and kissed her again.

Inside he was ecstatically happy, grinning like the proverbial cheshire cat.

Outside he was ecstatically happy, grinning like the proverbial cheshire cat.


End file.
